Regrets
by Azaisya
Summary: Matthias Tunstall left behind many things, most of which were tarnished because of his last actions. But there is one person who never stopped loving him. And now all she can do is wonder why. Oneshot. Major spoilers for Mastiff. Do NOT read if you haven't read Mastiff.


**Major spoilers for Mastiff. Do NOT read if you haven't read it!**

**Disclaimer: As much as I would like to, I cannot say I own the Beka Cooper series. Tamora Pierce did that. So . . . read on!**

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It's been years after it happened. . . .

So why do I still feel the way I do?

Look at me. Sabine of Princehold and Macayhill, Lady Captain of the Household Guard crying like a common maid over things long past. Beka had just come to visit. Now she is gone, and I miss her. When she is around, I am not Lady Sabine. I am simply Sabine. But as soon as she leaves, my thoughts go back four years. . . .

Beka is happy with Master Farmer, and I am happy for her. But seeing them together, seeing their happiness. . . . It makes me think back to that fateful Hunt, all those years ago. The Hunt for Prince Gareth, heir to the throne. He had been kidnapped and hidden as a slave, beaten and starved. The prince had been four. Now he is eight, and it never fails to amaze me at how he has grown.

Whenever I see Beka and Farmer, I cannot help but think. Is it possible that I could have had a life like that? A happy life with a man? I do not think so. Not after Matthias Tunstall did what he did.

How could Mattes have done this? I never wanted marriage, true, but if he were to ask me. . . . He was the one man I would've said yes to. I loved that man, I truly did.

No.

I can lie to Beka, I can lie to Goodwin, I can lie to Gareth. I can even lie to Lord Gershom, or their Majesties. But I cannot lie to myself.

I still love Matthias Tunstall. I do. Is it wrong for me to still love him? Even after he betrayed the realm? I think I will never stop loving him, deep down in my heart. I _cannot_ stop loving him. He loved me. I know that. But he thought himself unworthy of me. Why?

I did not care that he was a Dog, a hillman. I did not care that I was a noble. I had told him that over and over. So why did he still care?

It is my fault he died. It is my fault he turned traitor. Whenever I try to tell Beka or Farmer or anyone really, they will tell me I am being silly.

But it's true. It's my fault. The only reason Mattes did what he did is because of me. He thought himself unworthy of me, that he was too low in rank to wed me. So he became a traitor to earn rank. In his eyes, he would be able to ask me the question after that. But in mine?

It's all my fault Mattes died. I should've told him it didn't matter that I was a noble. I should have _told_ him. Told him over and over until he believed me. I wish I had. I wish I could go back in time and fix things. If I fixed it, if I persuaded him that I didn't _care_ he was a common guard, then maybe he'd still be alive.

Now look at me. I am crying in earnest now.

If Beka were to see me now, I am very sure she would know instantly what was happening. And she would call me silly. As silly as Achoo, that sweet hound.

But I cannot help if I love Matthias Tunstall, can I? I cannot help who I give my heart to. I cannot help who the gods decide to pair me with.

What a cruel joke they played on me, through Mattes. I know he loved me so very dearly. Why else would he betray Tortall? He did it for me, and because of that it is my fault.

I wish, now, that I had tried harder with him. He had honor. And that had been enough for me. By the gods, I think if that man had been the Rogue I still would've loved him. That's how far gone I was. The gods are cruel.

Mattes was an honorable man, of that I know. He had been a Dog, one of the best for that matter. He made vows to uphold the law, and to catch criminals who broke it. But, in the end, Mattes had gone from Dog to Rat.

Why?

I know why. I truly do. And I blame myself for it. But still I ask myself, on those sleepless nights where my soul goes cold. Why did you do it Mattes? Why did you betray me?

And, despite it all, I still love him. I love you still, Matthias Tunstall.

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**So I literally wrote this right after reading Mastiff (which was a while ago), because I was just . . . _shocked_ at how it'd ended. I guess I sort of expected a happy ending, or something, but the ending to Mastiff was, well, far from happy. At least in my eyes. And I know this is really short, but I like it. I really do. I will always feel sorry for Sabine. Anyways. Review! It makes me smile!**


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